Today, I've been a Christian for ten years.
One July night in 2002, mostly against my will (I'll save you the details), I found myself sitting front and center on the balcony of Shryock Auditorium in Carbondale, IL. I was at a summer conference run by Christ in Youth, and the event theme was The Journey, which is about the most apt title it could have been given.
I was 14, and it was the summer before my freshman year of high school. I was not a Christian, and despite growing up in Southwest Missouri, we can suffice it to say that I had next to no background in the church or understanding of the gospel. Two nights of conference had come and gone. Monday was entitled, "Coming to the Cross," and then there was Tuesday's, "Yielding to the Spirit," which upon reading my brain screamed, "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN!??!" Then Wednesday morning came. I was given a small card the said something to the effect of "My Sin:___________." The little unreformed philosopher blooming inside of me thought "sin" was a stupid concept, but there was something special about that day that compelled me so much that I spent all afternoon analyzing my personal tenets on the matter. Sin, naturally, implies there's a standard to be sinned against, or as Christianity further teaches, there is a Being that I have personally sinned against. For the first time all week, I was fully engaged.
I don't remember a word of the sermon that night, and I don't remember who was leading worship. What I remember was that on the first floor, there were two large wooden crosses with buckets of nails and hammers nearby. Then, somewhere over the course of two songs, "Here I am to Worship," and then "Oh the Wonderful Cross," the gospel was made clear... which is a really insignificant way to phrase it. I was so overwhelmed that my heart felt as though it might burst through my chest! Tears, snot, guilt, grace, the whole nine yards. I penned "All of it" on my blank card, walked downstairs with two friends, and in the most blatant illustration I could have been given, I nailed my sin to the cross.
** A little, but significant side note that I must interject here: God saved a 14 year old girl, from Missouri, at a youth summer conference, through an emotional worship experience. That's when the veil was lifted. Some of you hate that, because you or someone you know have had a perceived (or even more terrifying, a real) manipulative, emotional experience. That is not my story. And summer after summer, year after year, I see God continuing to transform and grow students through events like the one I attended.
The story advances. About a week later, I came home from practice and went straight to my living room to watch MTV's TRL, per the usual. But I couldn't focus. I remember getting up, turning off the television, going into my bedroom, and thinking that since I was a Christian now, I should probably read the Bible. So I did. I opened up Genesis 1 and started reading. About 10 minutes later my brain caught up with my actions, and I realized what I was doing, and thought, "Something changed. Something has really changed because I would rather be doing this than anything else right now."
Reading Scripture for the first time was crazy. I journaled it, and here are my five favorite excerpts from summer/fall of '02:
"I read Genesis today. I know I've heard of Noah and the flood, but I guess I just thought the whole God-destroys-humanity thing would've been a little later in the Bible, not chapter 7."
"So Jonah disobeys, gets swallowed by a whale, changed his mind, mission accomplished, and he's pissed? And then the story just ends?"
"Did I just read about rape? In the Bible?"
"Today I read about humility, and all I keep thinking about is how terrible that sounds. Humility. Humiliated? Surely they're different?"
"The more I read about Paul, the more I think I wouldn't like him in real life."
So I asked a lot of questions and got a lot of answers, and four months later was baptized (which was also my 15th birthday). And now here I am, ten years later. Last week I wondered what 14 year old Heather thinks about 24 year old Heather. Then I imagined 34 year old Heather (ugh, 30...), and thought it must be the same: She's better, more put together, is accomplishing more for the Kingdom, and is definitely "holier" than the current me. That was very revealing, and showed that I still have a long way to go in fully grasping the gospel, because I still want to trust in a better future me rather than the reality of grace today. And by God's grace I will be better, but it shouldn't be where I direct my hope.
Today marks a decade for me... one decade into eternity.
